Professor Brilliance

Message to you, motherfucker!

Hello - Professor Brilliance:

Today my wife and I decided that we would go and grab a burger from one of the best franchise restaurants in the country, Hamburger Marys. We parked on a side street in Andersonville and began to walk across Clark St. to the place. I had my son, Benjamin, in the car seat and the street was clear so we entered the crosswalk. At this point some black woman in a white car gunned her vehicle out of her parking spot on the street and nearly hit myself and my son. I yelled at the stupid bitch and made a kicking motion backwards with my leg. Upon reaching the sidewalk, I heard "Yo, that's how you get your ass kicked!". I looked at the street and some guy in a gold car was yelling at me. I noticed that he had that dumb fucking blacktooth earpiece on and he yelled again, "Yo, that's how you get your ass kicked." I said do you see this, pointing to the car seat in my hand, this is my son, she almost hit me. Once again earpiece encumbered stupid fuck said "Yo that's how you get your ass kicked". I went there and said "I know you guys don't give a fuck about your kids, but you need to use some common sense and shut the fuck up". What did the jackass say - "Yo, that's how you get your ass kicked." All the guy could come up with - Yo that's how you get your ass kicked. Of course the guy just drove away. Was he the one that was going to give me said ass kicking? Fuck no. The guy was a little bitch. Take that fucking earpiece off and get you little-dicked ass outta the car and show me how the fuck I was gonna get my ass kicked, motherfucker!! I wanted to tell this stupid cromagnon motherfucker that the way you get your ass kicked is to sit in your car, with that retarded ear-piece on, watch someone almost run a man with his infant son in the crosswalk over and throw your gottdam two cents in! Shut. The. Fuck. Up. And. Mind. Your. Own! Don't AX someone how to get their ass kicked!, show 'em, if you gots any balls, bitch! Oh, was your humblest of all narrators pissed off. I am sick and tired of the ghettofab bullshit. Take some fucking responsibility for your actions. Be a goddam man!

Sonic Youth - Death valley 69

Fucking Kick Ass!!!

THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST

Today, well what's left of it anyway, was the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the century - 2006 in the Year of Our Lord Jesus Christ. It is a big day for the folks at 20th Century Fox as they hope to reap many a satanic dollar, with the release of the remake of the, if the trailers are any indication, truly awful Omen. Anyway, your humble narrator celebrated by placing the headphones over the ears so as not to disturb the wife and retreated into a world of teenage bliss and jammed out to the Number of the Beast by Iron Maiden. Ahhhhh, what a great song and after 24 years, it still sounds so kick ass!

It begins with a Vincent Price-esque quotation of the 18th verse of the 13th chapter of Revelations before getting into some extremely cheesy but great lyrics. What a great song!!! The lyrics in their entirety for your enjoyment. Try not to laugh too much.

"Woe to you, Oh Earth and Sea, for the Devil sends the beast
with wrath, because he knows the time is short...
Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast
for it is a human number, its number is Six hundred and sixty
six."

I left alone my mind was blank
I needed time to get the memories from my mind
What did I see can I believe that what I saw
that night was real and not just fantasy
Just what I saw in my old dreams were they
reflections of my warped mind staring back at me
Cos in my dreams it's always there the evil face that twists my mind
and brings me to despair

The night was black was no use holding back
Cos I just had to see was someone watching me
In the mist dark figures move and twist
was all this for real or some kind of hell

666 the Number of the Beast
Hell and fire was spawned to be released

Torches blazed and sacred chants were praised
as they start to cry hands held to the sky
In the night the fires burning bright
the ritual has begun Satan's work is done

666 the Number of the Beast
Sacrifice is going on tonight

This can't go on I must inform the law
Can this still be real or some crazy dream
but I feel drawn towards the evil chanting hordes
they seem to mesmerise me...can't avoid their eyes

666 the Number of the Beast
666 the one for you and me

I'm coming back I will return
And I'll possess your body and I'll make you burn
I have the fire I have the force
I have the power to make my evil take its course

Ahhhh, Just a Thought

To be an orginator of ideas... that is the key. To be a consumer of ideas... a fucking monkey can do that. If you are a right-wingin' whacked-out nutjob, you ain't generatin' shit but shit! Think, do something good. That's all I'm a sayin'. Yeah, and please pass that can of Old Dutch. Golly, thanks.

Drowning in Black Goo

Unless you live as an ostrich with your friggin' head in the sand, not Albertan or Venezuelan tar sands mind you, there won't be much of that left at some point, you may have noticed that folks are all up in arms about the price of gasoline. Everyone wants to blame Dick & W, Inc. NLC, and while you'd have to be a real idiot to not recognize that they don't really give a fuck, they shoulder very little of the blame here. You wanna know what you should do to find the culprit, take a look in the fuckin' mirror you dipshit! Keep on truckin' little Emma and Madison to their soccer games in your big stupid vehicle. Keep on drivin' one half of a mile to the local grocery when you should really get off of your morbidly obese ass and walk. Americans are lazy and addicted to not only oil, as our retarded frat-boy Prez so famously stated, they are obsessed, and I mean OCD-level obsessed, with their gottdam cars! Walk! Take the CTA! Ride a bicycle!
Change your ways. That's all your humble narrator has got to say at this point.
Oh, and please pass that last can of Genesee Cream Ale Light. Thanks.

Sir Frances Drake

Pah nub the new FL album. There is a good buddy of mine that says that it's wrong to pirate albums. Yeah, you know what, it's wrong to cut into the bands' profits. Well, if they wanna provide their accountant's address on said band's website, I'll be more than happy to send 'em a check for $1.87 or whatever it is that each band earns from CD sales, but otherwise, in all honesty, I don't really give a fuck. If you wanna hock HP computers and such, then you really don't need my money, but I'll continue to enjoy your music because yins are one of the best bands out there. I don't know, it really all needs to to be put in to some sort of perspective, and that's the current rant.

GEE W BOOOSH

Your humble narrator nearly choked with laughter upon his porridge whilst reading the latest Pew Research Center's poll about your President. The most pervasive one-word term used to describe W? Can you guess?

Incompetent wins with 29 percent of respondents characterizing the Prez thusly. I'd say that's fair. Unfortunately, there are still 23 percent of you freakin' idiots out there that describe him as being "good". HOWEVER, the next two are quite telling. They were probably the most appropriate in your most gracious of writer's opinion. Idiot and Liar.